i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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