if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
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About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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