if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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