I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
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The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
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I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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