Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
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Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
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Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize