I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My vagina just recognized that song.
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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