i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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