i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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