im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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