When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize