I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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