The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
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He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
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There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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