I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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