just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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