i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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