We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
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I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
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The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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