I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
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there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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