Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
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'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
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Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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