turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
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There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize