I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
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i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
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Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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