he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
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Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
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... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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