VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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