Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
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I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
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I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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