She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
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It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
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You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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