Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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