Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
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So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
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I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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