I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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