Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
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I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
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Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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