Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
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He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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