You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I forget how to act sober
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