It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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