Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
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laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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