First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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