i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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