I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
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He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
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I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
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