Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
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So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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