If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
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Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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