I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
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I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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