You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
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I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
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Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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