I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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