Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
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Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
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We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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