I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
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Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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