i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize