One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
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My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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