I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
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When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
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Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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