I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
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