We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
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Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
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His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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