oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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