So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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