I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
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I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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